does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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