If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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