I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
