I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
