i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
