The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
