If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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