so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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