Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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