Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
