You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
