At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
