Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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