im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
two words...techno handjob
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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