when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
