I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
