I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
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