You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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