He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
