I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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