Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
