Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
