..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
