dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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