Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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