You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
