i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
