Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
