I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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