i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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