The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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