I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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