do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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