I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
third nipple confirmed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
