i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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