seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
