I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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