Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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