So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
