and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
