sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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