I cannot find my penis.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
