Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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