How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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