I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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