the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
