saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
