The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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