your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
