a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
