I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
